Ask Social Grace: Requesting cash in lieu of gifts

By Social Grace on March 3, 2009 11:37 AM | 0 Comments | 0 TrackBacks
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Social Grace gets hit with a question that seems to be coming up more and more frequently.  Is it a disturbing new trend or just an increasingly awkward and somewhat presumptuous view of social customs by today's generation?

 

Dear Social Grace,

My fiancé and I are in our late thirties and have never been married.  We are fortunate that both sets of parents are still alive, but with their limited retirement incomes, we have decided to pay for the wedding ourselves.  We are excited to share this wonderful occasion with our large group of friends, but we had no idea the cost of the reception was going to be so high.  We do not want to hurt anyone's feelings by leaving some friends off the guest list, while including others.  However, we just cannot afford to have everyone at the reception.
 
Since we have everything we need to setup house together (in fact we have more than one house will comfortably hold), how can we politely put on the invitation that we would prefer cash contributions to help offset the cost of the wedding instead of some gift that we do not need.
 
Perplexed in Lenexa

 

Dear Perplexed,

Wow!  Unfortunately, this is not the first time that someone has asked this or a similar such question.

I was really stumped the first time it was asked, because I was so taken off guard.  You see, a wedding invitation is requesting the presence of your guests to share in a joyous day in your lives; not unlike a request to join you at a holiday party, a baptism, or a back yard BBQ for that matter.  A wedding invitation simply is NOT a request for gifts!

After having some time to ponder this question and others of its genre, it seems the easiest way to communicate your request would be to indicate on your reply card that "tickets" to your wedding and reception are $85 per person (or the actual cash contribution you are
looking for).

Obviously, this is said only in jest!  But it makes my point.  Are your guests truly being invited to share your joy on this special day?  Or, are you assuming that due to the grandeur and magnificence of the event, they will be falling all over themselves to pay for the privilege of attending your wedding instead of doing something else with their time and money? 

While you may be correct in assuming your guests have set aside something for your benefit, it is just flat out RUDE to even suggest to them how they should spend their hard-earned
money.  

There simply is no polite way to ask for cash contributions to you or a charity.  If you truly want NO GIFTS, you need to have your wedding party and family spread the word.  Otherwise, you should set a reasonable budget for your wedding (both in dollars and guests) and live within that budget.


Got a question?   Ask Social Grace at SocialGrace@DavidGregoryOnline.com

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